We decided to cut back on expenses due to mini-me, so I’ve been thinking of which cost savings. The TV is an obvious choice, due to a mixture of the Internet and nothing much showing on TV our satellite Sky TV subscription has been allocated for the chop. This turned into far more of an ordeal that I had thought possible. Cast your mind back to March 1st, if you can’t cast your mind try throwing it; even better try throwing someone else’s. Anyway, this is as close as I can recall the conversations, the dull and repetitive bits – and anything personal – have been removed as much as possible: I called Sky, an automated system answers. I listen to the options and not having a direct customer services section or a cancel Sky section I opt for ‘changing your Sky subscription package.’ Their automated system was designed as the 10th circle of hell. It took a while but eventually I get a human. A nice sounding woman, whose name I didn’t get. 15:10, 1st March 2004 ‘Hello I’m X, how can I help you?’ ‘Hi, I’d like to cancel my Sky subscription please.’ ‘You’d like to change your Sky package, have you selected what you want to change to?’ I pause. There is a possibility we’re operating in separate and distinct universes. The conversation can be odd across universes so I try again. ‘I’d like to cancel my Sky subscription please.’ I figure two’s the charm. ‘Oh.’ She sounds so hurt; I picture injured kittens from her very tone. ‘I see you are on X package, and you have been with us for quite a while. We have X package at a cheaper price.’ ‘No thanks, I’d just like to cancel.’ ‘Yes I can arrange that for you. Can I ask why you would like to cancel?’ ‘Yes, it’s too expensive.’ This is true but has not stopped me in the past, I guess it’s too expensive for me now my priorities have changed. I don’t explain all this exposition as it’s none of there business; but this question is important leverage for them. ‘I’ll have to put you through to another department for cancellations, but they will be able to sort this out for you today. Please hold. I’m back listening to muzak that makes my ears want to crawl off and hide under a rock. ‘Hi, I’m Eddie. You want to cancel your subscription?’ A fast talker, Scottish sounding, alarm bells began ringing in my head right away as he said that line a lot like it was ‘So you want to eat your own leg?’ ‘Hello and yes, I do.’ ‘Why do you want to do that?’ You want to eat your arm? His tone was starting to wind me up already, just two sentences in. ‘It’s too expensive for me.’ Damn my inbuilt English polite gene, I know where this is going but I don’t put a stop to it now. In hindsight I blame the fact I was on IRC at the same time so wasn’t paying as much attention as I should have been. ‘What channels do you watch?’ ‘Sky One.’ I answer glibly. My patience draws thin as he goes on to talk about the other packages available that are cheaper and include this particular channel, if I was paying attention he may have stood a one in a million chance. They have a refined and persuasive script designed solely with one aim in mind; keep the customer paying. Shame it’s not provide the customer with service. After a few minutes pass by where he threw various package names at me and I batted them back by repeating the manta ‘No, I just want to cancel.’ He changes tack and talks about the movie channels so I butt in and point out there is no need to follow his script, I just want to cancel. He changes tack again and inadvertently gets my full attention. ‘What do other people in the house watch?’ ‘That doesn’t matter,’ he ties to butt in so I just talk over him, ‘I didn’t ring up to argue with you, just to cancel.’ ‘I’m not arguing Mr. X, just trying to help; as you have been with us for some time.’ ‘Well, not any more.’ ‘You want to cancel because it’s too expensive? But everything goes up in price,’ I wonder where he was going to go with that, but I was annoyed and cut back in. ‘Listen, I’m really not interested in arguing with you.’ He tries to talk again, ‘Lets move this to the next stage.’ He pauses and, I’m guessing, senses his bonus flitting away. He sends me back to muzak hell without saying another word, four minutes later Eddie is back and Sky is cancelled. Consider this a warning of what to expect when you try skate through the 10th circle of hell and beyond.